CAPTAIN Sirius Black
by harry potter is my muse
Summary: A day in the life of Siriu- *ahem* CAPTAIN Sirius Black. Hilarity ensues. In which Sirius quotes Captain Jack Sparrow. Random One-shot written while half asleep. Please R&R?


Okay, so I had a sudden urge to write this. I was dreaming when I wrote this, so forgive me if it goes astray. (Prince, anyone? No? Okay…) Anyway, I wrote this completely totaled for the day so it might be quite random. (And I know that Pirates of the Caribbean wasn't out during the Marauder's time, but hey, it's my story. So just pretend like it was.)

SIRIUS POV

OH YEAH.  
DISCLAIMER: HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO THE GREAT JK ROWLING. IF I OWNED IT, SIRIUS BLACK THE GREAT WOULD STILL BE ALIVE AND KICKING. That is all.

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You know it is a good day when all of your friends are sleeping oh so peacefully when you wake up. They seem to be thinking "Hey Padfoot! Wake me up now, will you?" And who am I to refuse such a plea? I cracked my knuckles and cleared my throat. Then I said ever so softly (okay, so maybe I screamed) "WAKE UP YOU GITS. IT'S A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. ALIENS ARE INVADING. QUIDDITCH WAS CANCELED, OH THE HORROR. WE HAVE TO-" How rude. Here I was, talking very politely to my mates, when suddenly said mates all throw random objects at me. I mean, how rude could you get? I huffed. "YOU GUYS ARE SO RUDE." And then, they had the audacity to look at me like _I _am the crazy one. I also think I heard Moony mutter something about 'always getting the crazies.' That must be some horrible disease, he should probably go get it checked out.

After waking up my rude mates, I may-or-may-not-have skipped into the bathroom for a shower. I was singing very beautifully, when I was once again _rudely_ interrupted by James. He was yelling something about me sounding like a dying cat. Psh. As if. He was just jealous.

I finished my very short shower and went to throw my school robes on. (I think these are clean… Oh well, no one will notice if they aren't.) Then, I heard the person who went to the shower next, dear Prongsie, yell at me for taking all the hot water. I told him it was Remus, but I don't think he believed me. It might have helped my case if Moony had actually _taken_ his shower already, but that is beside the point.

Once all my slow poke mates were done getting ready for a day of S.C.H.O.O.L. (Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Lives), we headed down for one of the most important meals of the day, breakfast. Breakfast can't be the most important because if I skipped one of the others, I would die. And everyone would mourn and have to go to my funeral. So it is for the good of all of human kind that I do not prejudice against any meal, for the loss of someone as amazing as I am would surely be the most tragic event of the century.

Most of the school day went by normally: Moony taking notes, Peter daydreaming, Prongsie and I sleeping. It was a good day, I tell you. When we got back to the common room after _such_ a hard day, we took our favourite chairs close to the fire. I was humming along to a song that I can't remember the name of, when I was suddenly told to 'Shut the fuck up before I put a Silencing Charm on you.' My mates are so rude today. I told them so, and they all said something along the lines of 'Padfoot, you fucking retard.' Exhibit A.

It was much to quiet for my liking, so I decided now would be a good time to shout out something random. "AUTISTIC MONGOOSE!" My mates looked at me funny. I mean, wasn't it completely obvious why I said that? Psh. Prongsie suggested that we go for a midnight adventure around Hogsmeade. It was such a good idea, I am surprised I didn't come up with it.

We went up to our dorm to get the Map and James's Invisibility Cloak. We marched (well, I did) to the statue of the one-eyed witch. "Dissendium." We entered through the old hag's hump and started on the somewhat long walk to Honeyduke's. I once again concluded that it was much too quiet and decided to quote _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.

I needed some props though, so I conjured a jar of dirt and some smooth stones. "I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it." Remus suddenly stopped right in front of me and I ran into him. He looked at me questioningly, and opened his mouth to ask something, but shook his head and closed it again. He continued walking, and I was curious what he was going to ask. "What? What. WHAT? Whaaaat? Mooooonnnnnyyyyy tell meeeeee…" He reached for the jar of dirt I was holding. "DON'T TOUCH MY DIRT." He widened his eyes and put his hands up in surrender. He said, "Fine, fine. But what is this for?" I would have thought that was obvious. "Because I am Captain Jack Sparrow and a certain beastie is after me." He blinked. "Jack Sparrow?" I replied, "There should be a 'Captain' in there somewhere." He opened his mouth, closed it again, turned and continued walking again.

Like _I'm _ the crazy one.

The jar was starting to feel heavy, so I chucked it towards the nearest wall and it shattered. My three mates jumped at the noise. James asked ever so politely, "What in the bloody fuck was that for?" I replied nice and slow (because obviously they were behind the times), "The jar was heavy." James gaped at me, then said, "Sooooo…. Instead of just vanishing it or setting it down you felt the need to throw it at a wall?" I smiled. See? He does get it sometimes. "Of course!" He looked at me incredulously. (I had so much hope for that boy.) He then said, "Sirius, you are insane." I grinned at him, "Thank you."

Who wants to be normal anyway?

I took the stones I had also conjured and transfigured them into the little crab-things like in the movie. "Now we're being followed by rocks. Never had that one before." They looked back and saw the crab-stones moving. They rolled their eyes and kept walking. The nerve.

We kept walking for a bit. I decided another quote was due. I squinted at Peter and said, "You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?" They all looked at me like I was insane again. Psh. Can't a guy be _Captain_ Jack Sparrow for a bit without seeming insane?

I sighed dramatically and kept sauntering down the passageway. We finally came to the trapdoor, and I was sent to look for any people near the exit. I opened the door a crack and peered out. There was no one there. James asked, "No one there?" I answered, "Aye me matey. There be no landlubbers in sight." He rolled his eyes and told me to just go into the cellar already.

Once we all got up, we went into the actual store part of Honeydukes. We got some candy and left the money in the register. (I might be acting like a pirate, but I'm not going to steal.) We quickly put the candy into the trapdoor so as not to have to carry it around, and then we left the store.

We crept around the city's streets. Our Marauder feet carried us to the best store on the face of the Earth, Zonko's. We stocked up on the latest pranks and picked up a few of the classics, and once again put the money in the register.

We wandered aimlessly until we came to the Three Broomsticks. We went inside (we knew Rosmerta wouldn't tell on us for sneaking out) and ordered some butterbeers. We talked for a while and then decided to go head back to the castle. We went back to Honeydukes and through the trapdoor.

Once we got to the exit once again, I checked the map to make sure the coast was clear. "Mr. Grouchy Ass and his Sidekick Mrs. What's-her-face are both nowhere near where we are or where we are going."

We left the passage and headed back to Gryffindor tower, occasionally checking the Map for the Not-so-Dynamic Duo. We made it back just fine and got back into the common room. We went back up to the dorm and I decided that my bed looked very much like a perfectly good trampoline, so I ran and jumped onto it. I jumped up and down, getting yelled at by Moony to sit my ass down and go to bed.

I sighed. I actually was pretty tired. I must have been too normal today. I should work on that…


End file.
